Monday, February 25, 2013

Because... Well Just Because

Good for you, you should feel special, and i mean a genuine type of special, the kind of special that has an extra chromosome because they're just so lucky to be given so much even before birth type special. The kind of special your mother didn't know could be possible until the pregnancy test that was 3 months too late. She had wanted to bring you to the party scene before birth so you could grow up and be a great partier, because you in fact, are special.

Thursday, February 21, 2013

They say the same thing over and over again.

"Well at least you tried, and that's the important thing" ~ Gay Things Adults Say


I'ma Dunk on That Chick

If you ever hear a girl saying "I'm going to play some b-ball i'll talk to you later" or something similar, then heres something you should know:

women can't swing because of their femanine arms. And also they are really good at bouncing balls so they're probably playing basketball.


Wednesday, February 20, 2013

In your @$$

If you want to have a good laugh with your friends here's a fun game to play.

Instructions: take the name of a song, or movie, or TV show, and add the words "in my @$$" warning if you die of laughter it's not our fault. Well it is but we warned you.


My lizard does the same thing.

Joke from my friend:

Girl says: my dog is so cute she lays on her back to fall asleep.
Boy says: my girlfriend is so awesome she gets on her knees to get a treat.


Friday, February 15, 2013

Long Story Short, They All Got Laid

So it's been a long time since I've posted anything. No cheaply edited pictures. No jokes that make no sense. I've been going through a lot (going out and breaking the law - and watching TV) and I really hope any imaginary readers of this blog can forgive my grammar. So to as a possible return gesture, I'm going to give some written jokes that I've collected over time. Some I probably shouldn't have made up. Others I heard from people - those are the ones you'll like better.

I'm sorry you have to read these:

(Starting with funny lines and moving to jokes. Hopefully you won't throw up)

SL_T all I need is U

Instant asshole, just add alcohol.

Liquor up front, poker in the rear.

Confucius say:

Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.
Man who stand on toilet high on pot.
It is good for girl to meet boy in park, but better for boy.
to park meat in girl.
Man who jizz in cash register come into money.
Man who drop watch in toilet have shitty time.
Man who fart in church must sit in own pew.
Man trapped in pantry have ass in jam.
Baseball wrong--man with four balls cannot walk.
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
Man who go to bed with itchy butt wake up with smelly finger.
Learn to masturbate--come in handy.
Virgin like balloon--one prick, all gone.

Confucius was my karate teachers name. All guys named Confucius are Asian, so by racist logic they are smart. (Just my personal say in the matter)

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. 

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.

When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.

At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars.

The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee.

She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.

When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast, eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh squeezed orange juice.

When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.

As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?"

"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you."

He said, "Fuck him, give him a dollar."

The lady then said, "The breakfast was my idea."

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.
As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened
his trench coat and flashed her.
Without missing a beat, she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub."

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.
She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."

The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window.
"I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said.
The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could."
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway.
A sign comes up that reads, "Low Bridge Ahead".
Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge.
Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally, a police car comes up.
The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?"
The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."

A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam.
"Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow.
I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"
A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked,"What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"
The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering.
When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student,
shakes her head and sweetly says,
"Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."

(Some of these jokes are old.)

An old Jewish man wins the lottery. The next day the news crews are there to interview the old man.
A reporter asks the old man "What will you do with the money?"
The old man replies "I'm going to build a huge statue of Hitler on my front lawn".
The reporter looks confused, since the old man is Jewish.
Finally the reporter asks the old man "Why would you build a statue of Hitler?"
The old man rolls up his sleeve and shows the reporter his arm "Hitler Gave Me The Numbers!"

I'm very sorry you had to read those. If you made it past the first one without throwing up, I commend you. You'll make a great father for the child that my one night stand I'm having next week will bring.